Fearless

I have seen a lot of mums posting lately how they are struggling, and how they want to be real on social media. And it got me thinking, how do I/my family/my life, come across on social media? And is it an accurate picture?

I put on fresh eyes, the eyes of someone new to my page. I have a look through Instagram, and sure enough, all the photos reflect a life of “perfection”. Facebook, and the photos and posts are showing the good bits. But you know what?

Newsflash: My life isn’t perfect. Life on the road is not perfect. Living in a bus, it turns out, isn’t all that different from living in a home. It just has wheels. And a lot more bits that seem to break. I think social media can be a dangerous place, because it appears every body has got it perfectly together, and some days you are struggling, and you scroll on your phone and all you see is people you don’t relate to. You are struggling; they clearly are not (judging by the pics and posts).

Please know, some days I struggle. Some days I get out there and share my business and heart with passion and confidence, and other days I hide inside and don’t come out at all, and think nobody “gets” what I “do”. Those days feel like fear, but it is oh so easy to give in to the fear and live in a comfort zone that funnily enough, is not all that comfortable.

Some days, I am not proud of the words I use to speak to my kids. I get cranky, I get mad at messes and red dirt and fingerprints on everything. I get overwhelmed. And I yell at them for fighting….. Think on the irony of that for a second. Schooling most days is great but some days I am not proud of my teaching “style”.

Life on the road may look idyllic, and honestly many days it is. We get to have experiences that we couldn’t have, even on our weekends or time off in our old life. And I work on being present in more moments, being still and knowing He is God. But sometimes it is hard. Four kids in a small space, cleaning the same things over and over. Endless dishes, never fully catching up with the laundry. School lessons, taking business enquiries, invoicing and processing, and somehow, fitting in my business, my heart-work last, once the best part of my energy is depleted. Living in a caravan park crammed with other people where you must keep your voice down or your business will be everybody’s.

Life on the road can get lonely. You don’t have roots in any one place and nowadays, people are pretty busy and no news tends to be good news. I have beautiful friends and family who always check in and I have met some amazing souls on the road, but sometimes you just want to see a movie with your best friend. Or go out for breakfast with your mum or your sister.

I still get a feeling of embarrassment if people drop in, and the bus is a mess. It is messed up so quickly, but we can get it looking OK fairly quickly too. But never perfect. I am not a perfectionist I am afraid. But I seem to see the dirt so much more clearly when someone drops in. Why is that? I sometimes have a thought, how many people have I pushed away or made feel uncomfortable, by projecting that I was uncomfortable having them over? All they wanted was a connection- that is all anyone wants, but I was so worried about showing the state of the bus, instead of showing my heart.

So some days I do battle. On those days, I try to remember to dig deeper into my Bible, but often I don’t remember and struggle on when I have the life raft right in front of me. Some days it all hits me again how blessed we really are. And other days I know it in my head, but don’t feel it in my heart.

Why am I sharing all this? Because I am real, I am human. I fall short, and I am left wanting. Most days I fly, but some days I crash. I would love to know that by being honest even one mum finds hope, finds someone to talk to. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves me more than I will ever understand, but some moments I forget that. And I need constant forgiveness, and to constantly forgive, myself included. And to know deep in my being, I am forgiven and it’s all ok. So I am determined to post some “real” moments, and maybe that will connect deeply with some of you. I pray that it does.

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